The Curse of the Lazy Eye

When I was a baby I had amblyopia.  Basically, one of my eyes was more awesome than the other one and my brain was like "whoa there, right eye, if you aren't going to be totally awesome, you need to GO." So right eye was like "srsly wtf im out" and now I'm half blind.  Also, just to be a total dick, right eye now veers off to the outside, like he's permanently trying to escape my face. 

As I've gotten older (gracefully as fuck, I might add), right eye has also decided to be slightly more closed than left eye, so I've got this half squint going on.  It really doesn't help with my acute case of RBF (Resting Bitch Face, it's a thing, look it up). On top of all this awesome, I was also graced with a crooked smile.  Basically, I'm like a cute Quasimodo.  Case in point:

 I try to find angles where it isn't so obvious.  Head sort of tilted to the side, forcing the right son-of-a-bitch to look as far inward as possible.  But come on.  I'm not fooling anyone because THIS

 is what I look like when I'm having a conversation with you.  I can't tell you how many people have asked "are you looking at me, or...?" Some people claim they don't notice.  They are liars.  Anyway, I just decided that from now on any time I'm faced with a camera I'm going to do this look:

For one, offending eyeball is completely covered and out of the equation.  Mouth is open, so crooked smile is obsolete.  Also, thumbs up adds massive Dork Points.  I am a Grand Master Dork, but I still enjoy earning extra street cred.

Outlander Review. Sort of.

About ten years ago I was asking around for good book recommendations and a friend mentioned Outlander.  "It's about this woman who touches a rock and goes back in time to Scotland and the main character is soooo hot!" I'm sorry.  Did you say "touches a rock and goes back in time?" No thanks. A few months later my mom mentioned this fabulous book she had read and that I absolutely had to read it.  I trusted her judgment, so I picked it up and quickly realized that it was the ridiculous book I had turned down months before. 

But here's the thing.  It wasn't ridiculous.  It was AMAZING.  I had never much been into sci-fi, but the way Diana Gabaldon writes about the supernatural makes you believe she's writing from experience.  You suddenly find yourself touching large boulders in the off chance that one takes you back to your own Highland warrior.  But it's more than sci-fi.  It's historical fiction so believable that you ponder how much trouble you'd get in if you moved all the copies at Barnes and Noble into the non-fiction section. And did I mention the adventure?  Throughout the entire 8 book series there's murder, witchcraft, piracy, battles, swordfights, the list goes on.  And don't even get me started on the romance.  Claire and Jamie's love is the kind every one of us hopes for... and the sex is good, too.


So you can kind of understand my complete SQUEE when it was announced that it would be made into a 16 part miniseries on Starz.  For years people had been trying to make this book into a movie and it just wasn't possible.  There is so much happening in this book that the movie would've been 18 hours long or just ridiculously bad.  A few weeks later we were introduced to the actors who would play Jamie and Claire:

Caitriona Balfe as Claire Randall

Sam Heughan as Jamie Fraser

I mean seriously, how hot are they?!

They are pretty much too hot for words.  I may be spontaneously pregnant from just looking at them. But wait, there's more!  Are you a Game of Thrones fan? Remember the Red Wedding? Well, Tobias Menzies, who plays Edmure Tully, is also in Outlander and plays not one but TWO rolls.  My heart.  My ovaries.

Tobias Menzies as Frank Randall and Black Jack Randall

Stop.  Because there's more.  Did I mention SEXY MEN IN KILTS ALL DAY?!

I can't even

Yup. Tons of 'em. And yes, that's Graham McTavish up front, who played Dwalin in The Hobbit.  He plays Dougal MacKenzie and is shudder-inducingly sexy.

So last night/early this morning America got to see the first episode and frankly, I can barely function today. Ron Moore of Battlestar Gallactica fame pretty much wins at life.  The scenery alone will bring viewers in, the rest will be brought in by flashes of Scottish man thigh.  But I guarantee that with each new episode fans will be drawn in by the story that unfolds.  I'm not going to blow it for those who haven't seen it because they're either waiting for the official premiere on August 9th or living under a rock, but rest assured Outlander fans- you will not be disappointed.  And for those who haven't read the book, don't worry!  While I always recommend reading the book first, it's absolutely not necessary.  Just make sure you tune into Starz August 9th.  Bring a napkin for your drool.