Friday, December 28, 2012

The Problem With America is Fake Sharting Dogs

Kids are easily amused.  That's a given.  Put a box in the middle of your living room and an adult will walk in and say "why's this fucking box in here?" A kid will walk in and say "WHOOOOOAAA!! A fort/castle/train/hideout/Batcave!  Awesome!!"  A knock-knock joke will make an adult roll their eyes; a kid will laugh for ten minutes and repeat it for days.  That's why when it comes to buying toys, I tend to stick to the basics and let them use their imaginations.  I always thought those baby dolls that peed were completely unnecessary (and a little disgusting).

A kid will change the diaper of a regular baby doll without their being any ACTUAL green goo in it.  Having a doll full of water and green slime baby food is just a bad idea.  So when a friend told me about a shitting dog toy, I was in disbelief.

Now, every kid wants a dog, but some parents are mean assholes who like to deprive their children of the joy of Man's Best Friend.  Like me.  I have white carpets.  So instead I'm more likely to buy my kid a stuffed dog toy to love and huggle (it's a word).  A few parents may even buy their kid a toy dog that barks or does flips for little plastic dog bones.  But what parent in their right mind gets their kid a dog that takes a dump on their living room floor?!

NO kid likes to clean up dog poop.  It's the one thing kids say they'll do to get you to agree to a pet, but then you end up muttering to yourself over a steaming pile at 3am with a paper towel in one hand and bottle of carpet cleaner in the other. 

But people are buying this game.  Why?  Because kids think poop is funny and parents will buy their kids ridiculous crap so they don't have to say no.  But I stand here now, fist upraised, saying NO! Do NOT buy your kids a fake sharting dog!  Don't encourage this ridiculousness!  If you're going to have a dog that takes a dump on your kid's bed, let it be a REAL one!  Go adopt a pet from a shelter, get real loves and huggles (seriously, it's a real word!), and let your children experience the humility of cleaning up feces.  It will make them a better human being.

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