Friday, November 2, 2012

Joe Manganiello is a Cyborg

A lot of people have seen True Blood.  If you haven't, you probably should.  Maybe you read the books and were kind of like "eh" so didn't bother.  Slap yourself.  This isn't about the plot line.  This is about a bunch of sexy people mostly naked and sometimes covered in blood.  Watch it.  Maybe you don't have HBO.  Slap yourself.  Rent it from Netflix like a normal person.  Maybe you have standards.  Slap yourself.  See first example.

Let's just assume you have watched it and are familiar with Alcide Herveaux, the tall, dark and handsome werewolf friend of Sookie, played by actor Joe Manganiello.  If you're a chick, chances are you've wiped up your fair share of drool while watching this man.  Scratch that, you probably have if you're a guy, too.  Because even DUDES think this guy is hot, as evidenced by his role in What To Expect When You're Expecting.

I'm pretty sure he's picturing Davis while he's hugging that pole.
He's like a really tall, beefy lumberjack with great hair.  Did I mention he's tall??  Yeah. try SIX AND A HALF FEET.  Normally when a guy is over six feet tall he's a scrawny beanpole with acne and a hunchback. 

Before I get too far into this, I should really explain that I am not in celebrity-love with Joe Manganiello.  I mean, good lord the man is hot, but he's not even on my list of Top Ten Famous People I'll Never Meet So I Can Joke About Cheating On My Husband With.  Granted, he could probably crush my entire list with his giant calves alone, but don't worry Ben Stiller, I'll protect you.

Anyway, I started thinking about Joe today and about how he's so tall and hunky and an all-around beefcake and I realized- no man is really like that.  Okay, yes- there are tall men out there.  But like I mentioned before, they're either really weird creepers or Jack Skellington.  And there are definitely hunky guys, we all know that.  But they aren't 6'5" and built like a pro-wrestler.  As for the beefcake, most guys do not look like this:
Jesus, what was I talking about??  Oh yeah...
And if you find a guy who's really beefy, he's usually taken it too far and looks like his head is three sizes too small for his body. 

So Joe is this manly package of awesomeness and I'm like, there's no way this man is real.  He has to be a cyborg.  I'm pretty sure he was made to be some rich lady's pet and then escaped into Hollywood.  Or maybe he was built for manual labor by a gay man.  Either way, stop drooling folks.  Because otherwise you have a weird robot fetish and you probably need help.

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